What Am I Doing Here?!?

I’m about to be very honest, and vulnerable with you all.

I barely remember what week I’m on and I barely know what day it is, but I’m deep in business school and approaching my first few midterms and major assignments.

I’m slowly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel on Hell Week. But these last few days have been very rough.  I have been Anxiety City and the Mayor of Overwhelmed Junction. I’ve honesty had moments in statistics and corporate finance where I look at the board and feel like I’m reading martian. On a particularly rough day, as I was walking between classes, I wondered why I even wanted to come to business school.  Why did I pray and hope for something so badly, and I couldn’t even figure out what I was doing here if I felt so overwhelmed.

Now let me say, this scenario is the epitome of first world problems. I’m walking around an ivy league campus, able bodied, on a warm late summer day, wondering why God “cursed me” with the desires of my heart.

Now when I start to spiral down the rabbit hole of my feelings, I get real emo. We’re talking Hot Topic with a studded belt and side-swept Beiber bang emo. But it’s funny how God will show you something in the most unlikely of ways.

My godsister LeeLee came to town and talked me into seeing Amazing Grace with her.  To be honest I wasn’t sure I wanted to see a musical about the hymn my late grandmother Ann loved so much, but I would have taken a break to walk over hot coals if it got me out of looking at excel sheets.

Around the third scene, watching slaves be captured on stage, or seeing the embodiment of my ancestors thrown around and branded, something started to stir on the inside. My great grandparent (my granddaddy Green’s parents) were born slaves, and I’m sure they prayed and believed for something better. There are generations of ancestors who’s faith and prayers are the reason I’m here.  There are countless names I’ll never know, but I know I will meet them one day to say thank you for their belief beyond understanding. I bet my great-grandparents would be so proud to know that one of their decedents walks through the halls of Columbia Business School, and has the audacity of faith to dream so big. By the end of the play I was a sloppy mess of happy tears hearing the words to Amazing Grace and understanding them better.

I think at times I feel almost unworthy to be so privileged, because at times I lose focus on the bigger picture. What part am I supposed to play in the story of my people? Will I be able to live up to my own dreams? I have to remember that it is ultimately about following my dream, but it’s also about honoring all those who made countless sacrifices for me to get here.

It took a broadway musical (which I highly recommend EVERYONE go see) for me to get my head on straight, but I feel renewed and refreshed to take on another week.

Thanks for letting me get a little more honest.

XOXO,

MacKenzie

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